Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something I struggle with a great deal. I really never thought about a whole lot until we adopted our children. Now, it weighs heavily on my mind. I realize that God demands us to forgive as he forgave but that is so much more difficult when you see what people do to children these days. I often wonder if certain things are just plain UNFORGIVABLE, then I remember what God says in
Matthew 6:14-15; "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive men their sin, your father will not forgive your sins". That is a powerful verse!!!

When our children first revealed what had happened to them, our hearts dropped and immediatly anger had begun to set in. The horror stories we were told that night are stories we never thought we would hear and never want to hear again... or so we thought. Anger had consumed the children and us for so long and to be totally honest it still consumes all of us to a certain degree. But we also remember all the children saying, "We have to call the police, it was wrong and gross". The anger had driven us to want justice and do what was right and this person must be punished. The next day... the justice journey began. Our children wanted justice, we wanted justice for them. After going to the steps to ensure this person was punished we quickly learned that the real punishment would be within our lord and he would take care of it. At least thats what we kept telling ourselves, we needed to keep telling ourselves that as a way to cope with what had been done. Now of course our children have not realized this fact yet......only time will tell.

Now.... 2 1/2 years later Shawn and I hurt and cry for them often. Wondering if those horrible memories of what happened would allow them to grow and be (for lack of a better word) normal. Therapy will be a constant for them, it will be a part of there lives forever (from what we've been told). These children have been to hell and back and pray everyday that they may have a chance to move on and move past those 5 years of sexual and emotional abuse. We fear there innocence is lost, there childhood and also fear that they will never feel safe again. For now.... Shawn and I can only learn to forgive those offenders and teach our children what it truly means to forgive as God forgave and study what God tells us about forgiveness. It will take awhile but hope is what we all need to hang onto.

May God Bless you all this week!!!

An Emotional Day

Today has been a very emotional day for me!! So many thoughts have just flooded in today. Maybe its due to my 15 year anniversary or a combination of things. I have shed so many tears for my son, my girls and how our family has just been torn apart. I remember thinking back to my 1st couple years of marriage, having a hysterectomy, not be able to carry a child of my own and wondering how that would affect my marriage. I always ached to become a mother and hearing them say "Hi mom", "I love you". Cuddling them, comforting them when they were hurt, sick or sad. Finally.... here we are 15 years later we have 3 beautiful children, I made it.... I am a mom, playing, being silly and kissing boo boos and making things better for them.

As a mom, I never imagined that the unimaginable could happen to these precious children. I can't kiss there boo boos to make it all better or take there pain away. There pain is too deep and too much for there little brains to handle and I can't wave that magic wand to make it all go away. I can only be here to comfort and hold them but often feel its not enough. My heart is heavy with hurt for them and feel as though I am breaking inside for NOT being able to fix that for them, no band aid will fix it, no kisses, nothing but time will fix this.

When Morgan left for the treatment center, it broke all of our hearts. Our family (that we waited so long for) was separated. The girls lost there only constant companion, there world!! They struggle with what he did and all there many confusing thoughts. Both girls has said "I want him to come home but I also want him to stop hurting me". My hearts stops for a moment and we cry together, trying to make it all make sense to them. Sadly... I can't make sense of it, how am I going to have it make sense to them. Our beautiful Angel told me yesterday that she thinks I just gave him away, UGH my heart broke into another million pieces. While I know she is only saying that to hurt me the way she was hurt.... it still is painful to hear. Where is that body armour that I desperately need to put on???!!!!!!

Where is those children that are loving, caring and giving. Is it selfish to want children to show me love????? I understand why they don't love that way, there past has affected there whole world, but it still hurts more than I could ever put into words. There are days where I just keep saying, when will this end, will they ever get better, will we ever begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel??!!!

My mother asked me this morning, "would you ever be able to do this without God in my life"? Simple answer is absolutely not, he is my constant, my savior and my lifeline. Thanks mom, for asking that question as I need to be reminded of that. I also thank God for the blessings that I do have!! My mom and dad are very special blessings, they never cease to amaze me at there support. That will have to be another post someday. I will close now and get ready for the girls to come home. That's it for my rambling today!!!

A New Normal

When our children moved in we knew that there would be an adjustment. We just didn't know how much and I'll tell ya there was a lot more than expected. What was normal for them was to be segregated from everything, from family dinner time to everyday kid activities. When you think of children you imagine them playing, eating snacks, watching TV or playing video games, normal kid activities. For our children it was not like this and even today we struggle to get them to just be kids. It took close to a year just to teach them how to eat properly and not gorge themselves. At times we thought Angel would choke, she just shoved the food in and swallowed without chewing, SCARY!!! Thank God, she is so much better and uses manners. Morgan still struggles from time to time at dinner time. His anxiety is so great that he sometimes vomits over everything right in front of everyone, Ugh!!!! Another new normal for them is realizing, gee its actually Ok to play with the computer and I won't get into trouble, wow this COOL!!! Its an everyday process for them to feel comfortable enough to ask to play the computer but it has gotten better. Although some days its so frustrating because I want them to play without anxiety, but they just kinda stand there and study my face. I always wonder what they are thinking ( I don't dare ask as they get mad sometimes that I am asking). Others who don't live with us would think that we a just too strict, nope the kids fear just gets in the way of being themselves. There are days that I would remind them to "JUST ASK", "I can't read your mind". Its just not normal for them to ask, they have just learned how to go without. For me, this is hard as I don't my kids to go without but I am learning it is more stressful for them to have alot of things. I guess thats a good thing but if you lived with it on a daily basis you would see, its not always a good thing.

Another new normal is going to church as a family. This is something that our kids cherish and love. They can look forward to something, play with there friends and learn about God. Shawn and I are very blessed in this regard. This is one activity that they never fray from and there are no anxieties with it. I'll tell ya, when you live with kids and there daily anxieties, seeing them in this element is amazing to watch. Our children never knew what family activities were and what it meant to participate in family activities. Our faith in God continues to grow everyday and that has a calming affect in all of us.

I can't possibly list all there "New Normals" but I will end with one last one. This is a BIG one, all 3 children always feel they are "in trouble". This has become a daily discussion between us and them. I could be reading a book, on the computer or just taking a little cat nap they immediatly think "Uh Oh, mom isn't talking to me I must be in trouble". This is one thing that we have struggled with for 2 1/2 years. I will tell them all the time, "your not in trouble, I'm just busy" but due to the lack of trust they cannot bring themselves to believe it. I have just recently came to realize I am not responsible for there feelings, I did my part by communcating to them and I can possibly spend every waking minute talking them out of that feeling. All I can do is be here for them and give them daily reminders. But I will be honest, there a many days that I just want to crawl in a hole, cry and hide away.

Whoever reads my blog, please feel free to post any questions, comments or concerns. I would rather you ask than assume. Hope you all have a blessed day and cherish every special moment in your children's lives.

Welcome

Welcome to our family blog!! I have always wanted to blog but never really just did it. I have so many stories about our lives of raising 3 special needs children. Some are great stories and others are stories of "Holy Crap what the heck am I doing". All 3 children have been sexually, physically and emotionally abused. They came from a home of severe neglect and physically abused and went to a foster home where they were sexually abused by a teenager. After doing some respite care for the foster family (not knowing what was happening in that family) they finally after almost 5 years came to live with us. From the 1st day of meeting them we fell in love. They stayed with us for almost 3 weeks and we were HOOKED. Shawn and I looked at each other and almost at the same time said "lets adopt if we can". Ha, we were on the same page with our feelings of these 3 beautiful children. It was like God had just laid them in our laps, the ball was rolling from there. We later found that the foster family was not going to adopt, yahoo and the parental rights were going to be terminated a few months later, awesome. The only thing we needed to do was buy a bigger house. AGAIN, our awesome God had provided and we moved into our dream home in the country. 2 acres for the kids to run, play, swim and swing. Few months later, parental rights terminated and the kids moved in Jan of 2008.

Since then, everything took a heartbreaking turn. All 3 children came and revealed all the HORRIFYING stories of the sexual abuse that occured in the foster home for almost 5 years. As a parent, these stories are not the things you want to hear from children. Someday I will explain that day as I will never forget, but for now I am not going to talk about it. Ever since that day we have been to several therapists and ALOT of tears.

As a welcome post, you all should know we only have 2 of our 3 children in our home. As a result of the many years of sexual abuse, our Son Morgan had started to sexual abuse his sisters Angel and Stacy. It has been an ongoing issue but Shawn and I felt we had it under control. June of this year is when we realized we did NOT have it under control. Morgan is now in a residential/treatment facility where he can receive therapy and under constant supervision so he does NOT abuse any other girls or his sisters. As I continue to blog, you will understand more of everything that took place and the flood of emotions that our family goes through on a daily basis. So again....... welcome to our crazy but very BLESSED world of raising special needs children.